You’re sitting at home on your nice comfy couch in your underwear (like you do every day after work), working on that nice ass groove you’ve got going in the cushion, and for some reason you decide to flip to the news. Interestingly enough, it seems that zombies have begun popping up everywhere; not the slow moving kind that you always wondered how they caught that poor son-of-a-bitch before eating him alive, but the quick-as-shit, make you crap your pants when you see them kind.
Hopefully you’ve prepared, like the good little boy scout that you beat up when you were a kid, and this whole thing doesn’t catch you completely by surprise sitting there on the couch in your underwear looking like an idiot wondering what to do. Of course not. You’re ready. Or you will be.
The first thing you’re going to need is your trusty Zombie Survival Guide. Read it. Memorize it. Use it. It may give you the edge you need to make it to the remote town in Montana where the military is hiding from those scary ass mothers.
According to Amazon.com, this book “outlines virtually every possible zombie-human encounter, drafts detailed plans for defense and attack and outlines past recorded attacks dating from 60,000 B.C. to 2002. In planning for that catastrophic day when “the dead rise.”
This book is an absolute necessity for anyone who expects to be prepared when the cataclysmic day arrives.
Now that we’ve covered the theoretical training material, let’s talk about practical training for a minute.
When faced with the very real threat of an immanent zombie invasion, you are going to have to rely on your reflexes to get your ass out of some pretty nasty situations. Unfortunately your zombie fragging skills won’t improve simply by washing down another frito with a swig of ice cold refreshing beer. I know, it’s shocking.
But there’s hope for the couch potatoes out there. Fortunately the futurists over at Valve realized the threat that zombies will pose to mankind in the near future and have provided us with this excellent zombie survival simulator, which they call “Left 4 Dead”. Buy it. Use it. Be grateful for it.
A clear mind, proper training, and sufficient knowledge of zombies will get you far, but only as far as your gear will allow. You will face numerous close calls. You will be bombarded and blitzed from every angle by hundreds, if not thousands, of some of the nastiest, flesh-eatingist, ass stinkinest, zombie freaks you could possibly imagine. You’re going to need some protection!
Thank god for Kevlar®! This nifty shit will deflect scratches and bites from those bastards that would otherwise either turn you into another one of those mindless man-eaters, or, if you’re lucky, a quick meal. This Kevlar® shirt is lightweight, allowing you to move freely as you duck and weave, zig and zag through the moaning mob.
Whether your a guy or girl, it should do a sufficient job of protecting the upper body as it is made of 100% Kevlar®. I recommend you slip it on over a long-sleeved t-shirt. You can use the t-shirt later for either sopping up blood, tying off a severed limb (you don’t want to use your belt, your damn pants will fall off), or to tie the double doors shut of the school that you decide to hide-out in to catch your breath.
“What about the boys?”, you may ask. Excellent question. Protecting your lower body is equally, if not more important than your upper body.
For this reason, I recommend these Kevlar® jeans. Due to the 100% Kevlar® lining of these suckers, your boys below the belt (and your legs and ass) should be protected from the biters.
Of course you aren’t going to want them getting any where near you, but this isn’t something that you’re going to be able to avoid. They will go for what they can see, smell, and reach, so you’re going to want to cover it all up.
Neoprene won’t do much to deflect a direct bite to the neck but this neck protector should do a pretty good job of protecting your double chin from scratches and light nibbles. Cover everything! Except your eyes of course, you’ll need to be able to see them coming.
Keep in mind that during any kind of apocalyptic-type event, there is going to be rubble. There is going to be downed building, glass everywhere, bodies to avoid, and who knows what else. You’re going to need some high quality footwear with some good ankle support. Check these bad boys!
They’ll keep your little toes safe and sound no matter what kinds of shit you find yourself stepping in.
Which is a good thing, because you’ll surely be stepping in it!
In addition to clothing, You’ll need a high quality pack to tote your essentials. I recommend one of these. They should hold everything you need and they look pretty damn bad-ass!
Well this should do it for clothing and containers. Let’s talk about weaponry for a minute. Most people think a shot gun, hand gun, machine gun, or some other dumb ass self-defense device would suffice. Nope! They may be pretty cool. They may saw down the zombies for a few minutes, but our goal is long-term survival. Unless you have an unlimited supply of ammo and the strength of samson to carry it all, you need something that will last. When it comes to personal zombie defense tools, my first favorite is the good old louisville slugger.
It’s long enough to keep you at a safe distance from what your smacking while providing the brain bashing power that you require. You see stopping zombies usually requires either removing the head from the body, or simply beating the crap out of their brain with a blunt object. The bat works excellently for the latter method.
Of course if you’re the type of person that likes to make sure that a zombie is left good and re-dead. Removing the head is the approach that the more detail-oriented prefer. I’ve got a favorite for this as well.
This is one bad-ass machete. It should lop those bastards’ heads right off. It will also come in handy for chopping down small trees for making temporary shelter in the woods. Sometimes the woods is safer than the cities. It’s all in the Zombie Survival Guide.
If trekking through the woods is something that you decide to add to your survival strategy, you’re going to need some navigational aid. Let’s be real. You don’t know the north star from your asshole and get lost driving to work every day. I think I’d go with a GPS if I were you. Here’s a pretty good one that should get you where you’ll need to go.
You’ll want to reserve the battery life as much as possible, as power outlets may be difficult to find this close to the end of days. I recommend using it only when you are completely lost. In the meantime you’ll want to use regular old-fashioned maps. I know you don’t know how to read them, but damn. Learn.
Here you go. These are some pretty good maps. you’ll find they’ll help out when you are slightly off-road as well.
Toss one of these Adventure Medical Kits in that kick ass Bag you bought, and you should have everything you need to brave the new world before you.
Be smart. Stay sharp. And beat those bitches down!