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Archive for the ‘Apocalyptic’ Category

The Video That Ended Billy Squire’s Career

Posted by ebowen On July - 7 - 2009

And makes me laugh hysterically if I even try to watch it for more than 30 seconds…I can’t even begin to explain how bad Billy Squire is in this video…you HAVE to see this for yourself.  There are rumors that this is the reason for the end of record sales…

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Stupid Guida Face

Posted by ebowen On May - 3 - 2009

I thought I might have come up with something original for once but it seems that someone beat me to the punch coming up with guida.  The following video is perfect example of why you have to keep a close eye on who your kids hang out with.  She’s making the same stupid face in every damn picture…it’s not even the slightest bit attractive.  How could you be so stupid as to believe that that was attractive unless you’re hanging out with guido oompa loompa douchebags…

Did someone she knew actually say to her when she was young, “Oh you look so good in pictures where you scrunch your face up like you’re constipated AND retarded.”


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Mexico Approves Bill to Legalize Illicit Drugs

Posted by ebowen On April - 30 - 2009

Yes, you read that right…while the world is in a frenzy over the swine flu they slip this one in. I was going to avoid Mexico because of the violence, but now I don’t have to because they solved the whole problem.

Check it:

Mexico City .- This evening the Senate approved the opinion of the legislative initiative to combat drug trafficking, which allows the carrying of small doses of drugs, marijuana, cocaine and crystal, among others. The opinion is on technical adjustments and will be brought to discussion before the plenary on Tuesday, with changes to either drug, nor consumers are criminalized by psychotropic drugs or even certain amount. The opinion is on technical adjustments and will be brought to discussion before the plenary on Tuesday, with changes to either drug, nor consumers are criminalized by psychotropic drugs or even certain amount.

I’m sure that the prevalent corruption in the country had nothing to do with this in the least.

Here’s a chart that I found in Spanish with the rundown…

legal-mexican-drugs

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More Weird Japanese Crap

Posted by ebowen On April - 12 - 2009

I’m thoroughly convinced that the majority of all the weird shit in the world comes from 3 places…Florida, Germany, and Japan.  I’m sure that 89% of the worlds weirdness comes out of them.  Seriously, think about all the stories you’ve seen when you stopped in the middle of it and just thought “What the fuck were they thinking?’  Chances are that they took place in one of those three.  And Japan takes the cake among those 3, which is amazing.   Well, here’s a humdinger.  New from Japan, neon lamp fights.  Yeah this is pretty much one of the most retarded things I’ve ever seen.  It’s a bunch of idiot Japanese wrestlers cutting the shit out of themselves with big neon bulbs…and that’s it.  Nothing about this is entertaining unless you’re into watching Darwin’s theory being proven right in front of your eyes…luckily neon bulbs are poisonous so we’ll see the people actually willing to participate in these idiotfests be wittled down rather quickly…

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Epic Dumbass

Posted by ebowen On April - 4 - 2009

I can’t even think of a reason that anyone on Earth would allow their friend to shoot them while wearing a bullet proof vest in an uncontrolled situation that isn’t absolutely retarded…these guys have to be missing at least a couple chromosomes. Things like this make me weep for the human race…there are way too many people out there that would do this for my comfort.

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Zombie Choose Your Own Adventure

Posted by ebowen On April - 2 - 2009

What would you do during a zombie apocalypse? Well now you get a chance to see just what you’d do when faced with some tough decisions. In The Outbreak you find yourself in a group of 5 survivors trying to escape the oncoming zombie horde with little more than a double barrel shotgun and a spastic colon…ok I made that last one up.  You are allowed to choose the way in which you will die, or survive depending on the wisdom of your decisions.  It’s also some good training for the day when the zombies actually do descend like locusts…and I know they will. If you make all the right choices you’ll live to fight another day…otherwise you’re zombie poo.  It’s a really cool interactive movie that lasts approximately 15 minutes (mostly due to all the dying and retrying) with a neat decision tree.  While it’s not the best movie ever it is a very interesting approach to movie making.  I highly recommend you give it a whirl.  Click on the link above or the picture below to try it out an ddon’t forget to check their site out on MySpace.com – http://www.myspace.com/survivetheoutbreak.

zombie-the-outbreak

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Obama Just Gave Us a Depression

Posted by ebowen On March - 25 - 2009

We’re about to experience inflation on a scale you can’t imagine thanks to the new administration. We just borrowed $1 Trillion dollars from ourselves to pay ourselves the money…Tim Geithner’s brilliant plan to buy up the toxic debt is not a good idea to say the least. The dollar’s value just dropped to the lowest value it’s been in the world market since 1970 and gold shot up $80 an ounce immediately after they made the announcement. Meaning anyone who knows what just happened is abandoning the dollar like crazy. Watch the video of Glenn Beck explaining how we all just got screwed. I can’t imagine that any of this turns out well…when you’ve got the EU pres saying that you’re crazy and Socialists around the world telling you to stop spending so damn irresponsibly because you’re going to drive off a cliff (here, here, and here) you’d think the “pragmatic”, “smartest president ever” might rethink his stupid plans…not Obama. He’s a man on a mission, three months in office and he’s bankrupt our country and crash the world economy in record time…3 months in and already the worst president we’ve ever had…that’s a record.

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Spend Obama Spend!

Posted by ebowen On February - 13 - 2009

Obama and the Congressional Democrat’s travesty of a spending bill is just disgusting…it’s a drastic move towards Socialism despite all the stupid Congressmen saying it’s not (they obviously don’t know what Socialism is).  I found this picture that I had to share over at irate-nation.com.  It’s funny that the picture has Jim Jones in it because America has definitely drunk the kool-aid…why is it that when I google images of Jim Jones I get pages upon pages of that talentless hack rapper, and the culturally significant Jim Jones doesn’t pop up until like page ten?  I think that’s another sign of the apocalypse.  I’m depressed.

obama-getdamoney

and one of Obama trying to sell this abortion….LOLBAMA!

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The Most Depressing Picture Ever

Posted by ebowen On February - 10 - 2009

OMFG!!! PANIC…WE NEED GOVERNMENT TO SWELL IN ODER TO SAVE US!  Just kidding…we need less government and some tax cuts not a billion dollars to fucking ACORN.  Our government DID this…it ain’t gonna save us by spending money on itself…we should give a money card for $2000 to every man woman and child in America that expires in 4 months.  It would cost less than the disgusting spending bill Obama is trying to terrify Americans into supporting and actually go into the economy…but they would never go for that…we need more welfare and birth control…that will help the economy.  I’m disgusted.

joblosses26091

photo credit http://swampland.blogs.time.com/

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A Sober Look at the Apocalypse

Posted by burritoincognito On January - 28 - 2009

Over at the Foundation for the Advancement of Mesoamerican Studies INC.  (FAMSI),  Mark Van Stone Takes an interesting look at the Mayan prophecy of the end of the world…it isn’t your stereotypically sensational view of the date December 21, 2012, which has been cast as the end of the world according to the Mayan calendar.  It’s the honest scholarly view of what we ACTUALLY know about what the Mayans believed.  If you’re in to history or into apocalyptic things in general, take a look.

mayancalander

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Miley Cyrus Wet T-Shirt? Disney Actually Spinning in Grave

Posted by ebowen On January - 18 - 2009

It seems that Miley Cyrus is caught up in a new photo scandal…in case you hadn’t heard about the first one, she let Annie Leibovitz take a “topless” picture of her that had many fans up in arms.  Well, now her email has been hacked and the hacker released one of her posing in a shower in a wet t-shirt and there are supposedly more out there as well as recordings of sexually explicit conversations between her and boyfriend Nick Jonas…usually I don’t care about gossip and the only reason I’m sharing this is because I found this report by Popcrunch that’s hilarious.

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How to Prepare for an Imminent Zombie Invasion

Posted by markb On January - 12 - 2009

You’re sitting at home on your nice comfy couch in your underwear (like you do every day after work), working on that nice ass groove you’ve got going in the cushion, and for some reason you decide to flip to the news. Interestingly enough, it seems that zombies have begun popping up everywhere; not the slow moving kind that you always wondered how they caught that poor son-of-a-bitch before eating him alive, but the quick-as-shit, make you crap your pants when you see them kind.

Hopefully you’ve prepared, like the good little boy scout that you beat up when you were a kid, and this whole thing doesn’t catch you completely by surprise sitting there on the couch in your underwear looking like an idiot wondering what to do. Of course not. You’re ready. Or you will be.

4125B4ZVXHL._SL500_AA240_.jpgThe first thing you’re going to need is your trusty Zombie Survival Guide. Read it. Memorize it. Use it. It may give you the edge you need to make it to the remote town in Montana where the military is hiding from those scary ass mothers.

According to Amazon.com, this book “outlines virtually every possible zombie-human encounter, drafts detailed plans for defense and attack and outlines past recorded attacks dating from 60,000 B.C. to 2002. In planning for that catastrophic day when “the dead rise.”

This book is an absolute necessity for anyone who expects to be prepared when the cataclysmic day arrives.

51KTaksQSpL._AA280_.jpg Now that we’ve covered the theoretical training material, let’s talk about practical training for a minute.

When faced with the very real threat of an immanent zombie invasion, you are going to have to rely on your reflexes to get your ass out of some pretty nasty situations. Unfortunately your zombie fragging skills won’t improve simply by washing down another frito with a swig of ice cold refreshing beer. I know, it’s shocking.

But there’s hope for the couch potatoes out there. Fortunately the futurists over at Valve realized the threat that zombies will pose to mankind in the near future and have provided us with this excellent zombie survival simulator, which they call “Left 4 Dead”. Buy it. Use it. Be grateful for it.

A clear mind, proper training, and sufficient knowledge of zombies will get you far, but only as far as your gear will allow. You will face numerous close calls. You will be bombarded and blitzed from every angle by hundreds, if not thousands, of some of the nastiest, flesh-eatingist, ass stinkinest, zombie freaks you could possibly imagine. You’re going to need some protection!

41Ggp8cALNL._SL500_AA280_.jpgThank god for Kevlar®! This nifty shit will deflect scratches and bites from those bastards that would otherwise either turn you into another one of those mindless man-eaters, or, if you’re lucky, a quick meal. This Kevlar® shirt is lightweight, allowing you to move freely as you duck and weave, zig and zag through the moaning mob.

Whether your a guy or girl, it should do a sufficient job of protecting the upper body as it is made of 100% Kevlar®. I recommend you slip it on over a long-sleeved t-shirt. You can use the t-shirt later for either sopping up blood, tying off a severed limb (you don’t want to use your belt, your damn pants will fall off), or to tie the double doors shut of the school that you decide to hide-out in to catch your breath.

“What about the boys?”, you may ask. Excellent question. Protecting your lower body is equally, if not more important than your upper body.

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For this reason, I recommend these Kevlar® jeans. Due to the 100% Kevlar® lining of these suckers, your boys below the belt (and your legs and ass) should be protected from the biters.

Of course you aren’t going to want them getting any where near you, but this isn’t something that you’re going to be able to avoid. They will go for what they can see, smell, and reach, so you’re going to want to cover it all up.

Neoprene won’t do much to deflect a direct bite to the neck but this neck protector should do a pretty good job of protecting your double chin from scratches and light nibbles. Cover everything! Except your eyes of course, you’ll need to be able to see them coming.

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Keep in mind that during any kind of apocalyptic-type event, there is going to be rubble. There is going to be downed building, glass everywhere, bodies to avoid, and who knows what else. You’re going to need some high quality footwear with some good ankle support. Check these bad boys!

They’ll keep your little toes safe and sound no matter what kinds of shit you find yourself stepping in.

418beWcKwGL._AA280_.jpg Which is a good thing, because you’ll surely be stepping in it!

In addition to clothing, You’ll need a high quality pack to tote your essentials. I recommend one of these. They should hold everything you need and they look pretty damn bad-ass!

41DmDxh8x5L._SL500_AA280_.jpg Well this should do it for clothing and containers. Let’s talk about weaponry for a minute. Most people think a shot gun, hand gun, machine gun, or some other dumb ass self-defense device would suffice. Nope! They may be pretty cool. They may saw down the zombies for a few minutes, but our goal is long-term survival. Unless you have an unlimited supply of ammo and the strength of samson to carry it all, you need something that will last. When it comes to personal zombie defense tools, my first favorite is the good old louisville slugger.

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It’s long enough to keep you at a safe distance from what your smacking while providing the brain bashing power that you require. You see stopping zombies usually requires either removing the head from the body, or simply beating the crap out of their brain with a blunt object. The bat works excellently for the latter method.

Of course if you’re the type of person that likes to make sure that a zombie is left good and re-dead. Removing the head is the approach that the more detail-oriented prefer. I’ve got a favorite for this as well.

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This is one bad-ass machete. It should lop those bastards’ heads right off. It will also come in handy for chopping down small trees for making temporary shelter in the woods. Sometimes the woods is safer than the cities. It’s all in the Zombie Survival Guide.

If trekking through the woods is something that you decide to add to your survival strategy, you’re going to need some navigational aid. Let’s be real. You don’t know the north star from your asshole and get lost driving to work every day. I think I’d go with a GPS if I were you. Here’s a pretty good one that should get you where you’ll need to go.

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You’ll want to reserve the battery life as much as possible, as power outlets may be difficult to find this close to the end of days. I recommend using it only when you are completely lost. In the meantime you’ll want to use regular old-fashioned maps. I know you don’t know how to read them, but damn. Learn.

Here you go. These are some pretty good maps. you’ll find they’ll help out when you are slightly off-road as well.

Toss one of these Adventure Medical Kits in that kick ass Bag you bought, and you should have everything you need to brave the new world before you.

Be smart. Stay sharp. And beat those bitches down!

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What is Sexy about that?

Posted by ebowen On January - 7 - 2009

Can anyone tell me what is sexy about what this girl is doing?  I didn’t think so.  Sure she’s physically attractive in some way I guess.  But if she wasn’t you’d say whatever it is she’s doing with her body was something we beat retards for doing in public.  It’s awkward, it’s stupid, and it’s anything but attractive.  If anything, it makes her completely unattractive to me.  Man what I wouldn’t do to be able to cram my underwear up my butt and hump to the beat (which I guess she was doing…in theory) and get paid for it.  Ok I take that back, I wouldn’t want to do that at all…come on guys, you need to raise your standards.  It’s a travesty that someone is paying for this type of crap.  WTF? What part of her trying to rip her boobs off turns you on?  Is it just me?  This is what I would call the worstest…

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Layoff Tracker

Posted by ebowen On December - 30 - 2008

Possibly the most depressing thing I’ve posted to date…other than the whole Burger King body spray thing…Forbes Magazine has a tracker for the amount of layoffs to date at the Fortune 500 companies.  Man I hate this…and Barney Frank.

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Another sign of the fall of our Civilization

Posted by ebowen On December - 21 - 2008

The fact that someone convicted of manslaughter for killing her boyfriend in a drunk driving accident rear ending a truck can sue the trucking company (and probably goddam win) is definitely a sign that this country’s going down the toilet.  That, and the fact that Paris Hilton is in any way famous and Burger King has a hamburger scented body spray.

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